Love at First Sight

August 14, 2016. What an important day this will always be to me. It’s the day I saw a picture of your precious face and fell in love with you immediately. Though Daddy agreed over the summer we had another child in China, he wasn’t ready to return so quickly. I, on the other hand, had been hearing God’s call for months and it only grew louder and clearer with each passing day. We had only been home six months with your brother and it had only been three months since his miraculous heart surgery in Boston. Nonetheless, on August 14^th, I was certain I was staring into the eyes of my son. I showed Daddy your picture as I had time and time again while advocating for children needing forever families. He commented how cute you were with a smile and continued working on school work. From that point on, you never left my mind nor heart. Not for one single day!

As the days passed, I continued to bring you up in conversation with Daddy but was met with smile after smile and “not yet”. The days turned into weeks and then months. By October, Daddy started really warming up to the idea of going back to our beloved China sooner than later and agreed to look at your file. But he just wanted to loooook. 😊 As hard as it was to accept, if you weren’t meant to be ours, then I was going to learn as much as I could about you and your very broken heart. As an advocate, I try so hard to help families find their children and I was determined to find your family. I don’t think my heart had ever been that conflicted in my entire life. I so desperately wanted to be your mama but it was more important to find your family and find them fast so you could have the heart surgery that would save your life.

Holt, our home study agency, was reluctant to send your file without first checking with our social worker, Joy. She reassured them that we would only start our journey to you if Daddy and I were on the same page. As it was getting approved to be sent, I spoke with a Holt caseworker and she told me more about you. I practically melted on the kitchen floor with each piece of information she shared, especially when she told me how special it was that there was a specific story included in your file. It stated that your nannies would call you by your name (Wan Rong) or nickname (Ling Ling). You would teasingly correct them with a twinkle in your eye, telling them to call you “handsome boy” instead! I almost burst into tears at that very moment while standing at our kitchen island because that was the nickname given to your brother by his nannies at his orphanage. At the end of the conversation, the caseworker said you were in Shangrao city which is in the Jiangxi province. Just like your brother! That night, I told Daddy all that I had learned and he immediately looked up exactly where Shangrao was located. To our shock, it is less than three hours away from Magnus’s orphanage in Nanchang. In all of China, we think you were born only three hours away from him! What was even more astonishing was that I found out that children from Shangrao are brought to Nanchang to meet their families. Just like with Magnus last year! Only God!! We had our first and second God winks that you were our boy. I was sure of it!

We were told your file would be returned to the shared list at the end of October. I asked our placing agency, WACAP, to scoop it up and I would start advocating for you on Red Thread Advocates. Your file was returned but WACAP was too late in getting it; someone else had it already. A beloved caseworker and friend called to tell me. I was devastated and cried while at a park with Magnus. I felt so guilty because this meant maybe another agency requested it for a family, maybe your forever family. Again, I had such conflicting thoughts and feelings. After three days, it showed back up on the shared list but WACAP missed it yet again so it disappeared a second time. A whole month went by with no word of where your file was…none. But I never gave up on you.  

While asking all over on Facebook advocacy pages, I connected with one of your preschool teachers! God wink #3! To my surprise, you weren’t in Shangrao but at an amazing medical foster home near Beijing, called New Hope. We couldn’t believe how wonderful this was for you! New Hope, sponsored by Show Hope, is founded by a British physician and her husband. Chinese nannies and international volunteers spend time with the children, caring for them, loving them, and even teaching preschool in English. Wait, what?! You’re spoken to in English? And you’re learning to speak it?! Daddy was so worried and had already rented several Mandarin cds, determined to learn for our next child whenever the time would come.

You were always on my mind all throughout each and every day. After several more weeks, I started to feel a peace from God – an acceptance of His will, not mine. I knew you would find your way into my arms if it was God’s will. On December 6^th, I received a message from our WACAP caseworker saying that you popped up on the shared list again and she had already requested it. I was excited, nervous, and impatient as I waited to hear from her the next day. She messaged me and said the file wasn’t on their list but was still on the shared list so she requested it once again. I told Daddy all that was happening and he asked multiple times if I had heard anything throughout the day. Hmmm, could this mean something?! Finally, I received THE message that WACAP received your file! I had chills because we had finally found you! I vowed in that moment to make it my mission to find your family. I prayed to God, begging and pleading Him to let us be that blessed family. I sent Daddy a message that said “They got him!!! 😊” and he replied, “Are the stars aligning?”. I told him I thought so and that he was the last star. This gave me hope, so much hope!

We had a family wedding that weekend so we were all excited and busy yet part of my heart was in China with you. On Sunday night, Daddy presented me with our beautiful family globe which had five stars hanging in alignment from it. I started to shake with tears in my eyes as he said through his own tears that you were our son! Daddy heard God telling him louder and louder over the last few months that you were ours. Once WACAP secured your file, he wanted to tell me but waited for a special day. And that it was – Sunday was your birthday in China – December 12^th! How thoughtful of Daddy to make the day even more meaningful! After lots and lots and lots of tears, we sat and talked with excitement about our new SON. I felt the same exact way I had felt when finding out I was pregnant – a little light headed with tingles from my head to toes. It was truly one of the happiest days of my life and I will hold onto that day until it will be bumped by the day when I hold you and promise to never let go!